Caught up

I feel like I owe it to everyone to take a moment to be transparent. I'm not sure if people notice or if I'm overly anxious about how I may be perceived, but I have not been nearly as active and present. For at least the last year I have grown to become more aware of myself. My personal beliefs, habits, mindset, and attitude have caught up with me. The things I once considered safe are no longer protecting me, but instead tearing me apart from the inside out. I do want to take a second here to honor myself by extending grace to my past self. I have experienced one of the worst things a person can experience on planet earth. Child loss. No one knows what to do or say. I still do not know what to do or say most days. Still, this no excuse to continue my bad habits or project my biased beliefs. I did what I had to do to get through, and now that I have survived that chapter I have been redeemed.

It's been a little over 5 years since I lost Derrick. I don't remember much of it. My nervous system has done a great job of blocking it all out and distracting by staying busy. I hardly even processed the good things because I kept myself so busy. In this time of running away from myself, I completely forgot how to function. I'm not sure if it's because my frontal lobe developed, I am now overly aware of my neurodivergent characteristics with no clue how to cope, trying to survive in my hometown for the last bit I was there, or if I am consistently trying to cope with the most devastating loss of my life in the back of my mind, while trying to make 10 year plans happen in under 2 years and then internalizing "falling short" after actually spreading myself incredibly thin.

I think this is worth sharing because whether you are a mom who has never experienced child loss or a mom who has her babies right beside her. As women, we tend to try and mold ourselves in socially acceptable beings. We abandon ourselves more than we may know. Then suddenly you wake up one morning and lack the motivation to shower and brush your teeth and eat for a few days, then weeks, Suddenly it's been a year since I felt somewhat functional and had any pleasure in self care. Don't get me wrong. I showed up. I worked my doubles with no water or nutritious food. I made sure to feed my guest while my food sat to the side cold, swarming with flies. I would work til 3AM and be at my workshop at 9AM followed by a meeting before I clock back in at the bar. As a mom, these things just feel like a duty. As an adult in this society, we sometimes feel like there are no other options. We are all here, just trying our best to survive.

Many infant loss cases that have been brought to my attention in the last year have had the factor of a caregiver, just trying to make it to the next day. It breaks my heart that as a society, survival mode has become our biggest hole sucking our souls in. It isn't easy being human in the first place. Then you turn on the TV or hop on your mobile device to be swamped with bad news and brain rot. Bad news that you have completely no control over. Brain rot that makes you forget the horrible news you just heard(only briefly of course.) The only thing we have control over is ourselves and the choices we make everyday. Some things work for awhile, and then you have to adjust. Sit with me as we process that change is normal. It is expected to evolve, and mistakes or cycles that no longer serve us now typically are the breakthroughs to better days.

I want women to take a moment to sit back and celebrate and prioritize the most basic of things we take for granted like showering, brushing your hair and teeth, eating a meal, drinking water, moving our bodies. Even just waking up the next morning after some of the nights we have had and thought we would never make it through. The roles we take on are demanding and it is crucial to show up for yourself and not make it feel like such a chore. After not meeting the expectations I placed on myself, I was hardly able to honor myself. I felt unworthy. I can have a bad attitude, shut down fairly fast, and go into flight or fight better than a hawk. I feel as if I am always falling short and disappointing the people and missions I care about dearly. Honestly sometimes I feel as if I don't post on social media right now, someone's baby may be involved in a sleep related accident and I could have saved them. Just to push myself past my limit for the day to share a post that I don't even think anyone saw. This is when I took the time to readjust and be mindful how much energy I have and where I place it. I'm still learning myself each and everyday, and that is okay.

Here I want to acknowledge a very specific crowd. I crowd I often feel a bit isolated in, but I know somewhere somebody else has lost their one and only baby. I have had to take on a caregiver role since I was a young girl, and shortly after my parents divorced and we all started living in different homes is when I got pregnant. I was so excited to have my own family. To be able to focus on my home and family and not everyone else. When Derrick passed away I quickly looked for others to take care of. Starting with a puppy. Then a month after the loss accepting a management position at a baby store where I seen each coworker as a family member. Then I would clock out and put myself in horrible situations with men or to help a couple of old friends out with their children. I did everything but take care of myself. I kept myself in a toxic cycle with the "well if Derrick were here" mindset. I stop often, especially at movie nights and holidays with the fam and think about what it would be like if Derrick were around, but I no longer allow myself to spread thin thinking about how I might have had to do so if Derrick were alive.

Many people have expressed that they wish they could just get up and do and go where they want, but they first may have to find a babysitter if they want to do it alone. I do understand. I don't know how moms do it. Always a little being needing something (uppies when you don't want to be touched, with a hint of pulling on your hair and jewelry, snackies so many snacks but they only want goldfish and skittles, yap session of unintelligible words you long to understand, meltdowns and tantrums) I can't imagine how demanding that truly is (but oh so worth it.) Point blank period, it can be and is exhausting. It has taken me years to learn and having to consistently reinforce that I do have the time and space for myself. Freeing up even more time by leaving work early when the opportunity is presented, and using that to do something that I enjoy and makes me feel refreshed. For the longest time, I didn't even think I deserved any of that. If I had free time all I would do is distract myself with things that didn't water my well-being. Today I am celebrating and declaring with my fellow women. We are worthy of filling our cups! We are worthy exploring what holes are in our cups, draining us. We are worthy of putting in the work to repair those things and heal those voids. We are allowed to celebrate small victories. Things don't have to be perfect to be pursued. Just go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow knowing you are worthy all of the trial and error, and efforts. Weather you are caring for an entire family and working hard to feed your pet, you are worthy of the same love you extend so graciously to others.

I want everyone to know I care. I care so much I may just drove myself crazy. I know many others in the same boat. Arrrg mate, I have to be very intentional about my energy these day and doing so will pay off. I hope one day to be able to overflow and have enough to share with everyone. But for now, I'll drop this slightly conflicting, very scary for me to share blog with others in hopes that you take away something to make your days a bit smoother and days brighter.