Jaxin’s Story

This is the last photo I took of Jaxin. Two weeks before his death.

June 27-15 years ago right at this time, 5:00 am.I was picking up my daughter, Ashley from the side of the road. I had convinced her to pull over. She was sobbing so hard she couldn’t see to drive. We drove as fast as we could from Ansonia to Sidney. Terrified. It all started with a phone call a little before 5 am.

Ashley was working two double shifts that weekend. 16 hour days. She was waking up to go to work when Laurenz and Jaxin’s dad called her. His words shattered our world. He woke up to Jaxin not breathing. He was crying too hard to tell her much else. A police officer got on the line. He informed Ashley that Jaxin had been taken to the hospital where he was pronounced dead.

Ashley was out the door driving towards the hospital as soon as she could get dressed. She called me as she was driving out of town. The pain in her voice is something I’ll never forget. She explained she had received the call. She then said,” Mom, they said Jaxin is dead.”

I couldn’t fathom that they would give her that information over the phone. She was hysterical. I took off as soon as I could get out the door. I stayed on the phone with her, finally convincing her to pull over a few miles outside of town. I picked her up and called my parents to pick up her car. I explained what we had been told.

My mind was racing. I didn’t know what to do. My husband, Paul had been on a large fire in Greenville,Ohio all night. He wasn’t reachable. I called the county dispatch, confirmed that his crew was at the fire still and explained that I had a dire emergency. I needed him contacted. I later learned that he was inside the building fighting the fire when his dispatch called command asking if firefighter McCleskey was on scene. It was confirmed and Paul was called out of the fire. The chief in charge gave him a phone to call me. He said the same thing I did. It has to be a mistake. There’s no way they’d do a death notification over the phone, maybe she heard wrong. Maybe he was just in the hospital. We had to cling to that hope. Paul was pretty much stranded at the fire scene. His chief called back a crew to pick him up and get him home.

15 years later, the details are still fresh. The pain is still raw. We arrived at the hospital, walked through the er doors and were asked if Ashley was “the mom”. She said she was and we were led to the back. At the nurses station, the doctor and a woman in jeans and a t shirt spoke to us. They told us that Jaxin was found not breathing by his father around 4:30 am. He was sleeping in his family bed with his father, his father’s girlfriend and his sister. It was his second overnight visit with his dad. The doctor explained that they had worked on him for 45 minutes but couldn’t revive him.

At this news, Ashley’s legs gave out and I grabbed her as she sobbed. I asked where Jaxin was. The lady with the doctor informed me that he was at the hospital. Obviously, I knew that and was getting frustrated. This person was deflecting my questions and I had no idea who she was. She hadn’t introduced herself. I looked at her and asked, “Who the hell are you?” She introduced herself as the victim’s advocate. That threw me for a loop. Why did we need a victim’s advocate? I had been in EMS long enough to know what the procedures are following an unnatural death. Knowing and caring become two different things.

I repeated my question on where Jaxin was. I was informed that it was now a coroners case. Got it. Understood that. Still didn’t tell me. Where the hell was he. They refused to take us to him. They instead took us to a consultation room. Ashley started vomiting from nerves. I got her cleaned up and got a nurse to sit with her.

Outside, I called Paul and told him to stay home. I told him our worst fears were confirmed and I would keep him posted. He then told me, someone in the family had posted the information on facebook. We scrambled to contact Ashley’s siblings, Tori, Pj and Danie before they read the news online. It was 6:00 am Sunday morning. Paul’s family read the news online and called. It was a nightmare. I couldn’t remember the number to Ashley’s work so I called my dispatch to get it. The girl who answered was a longtime family friend. She heard in my voice that something was wrong. When I told her that Jaxin had died, she sobbed. She had met him when I brought him in to the office. Later that morning our bosses came in and sobbed when she told them. I called Ashley’s work and told them. It didn’t get easier with each phone call.

When I stepped back in, the advocate informed me that they were going to make an exception and allow us to see the baby. The irony was, he was in a curtained cubicle right behind where we stood as we were told he died. That advocate told we could touch him, kiss him but not hold him.  He was bundled in a thick blanket. There were tubes coming from his nose and mouth from the resuscitation attempt. A few drops of his blood were on the white blanket. We touched his hair, touched his cheeks. When we first touched him he was warm. That told me how hard they worked on him. As we kissed him just a few minutes later he was growing cold.

It was hard for us to walk away from him. Ashley kept saying she wouldn’t leave him on bed alone like that. Not registering that it wouldn’t matter. The advocate told us that Jaxin’s father had been taken into the police station for questioning. That shocked us. That also caused unnecessary stress as we then were questioning if something had been intentionally done to the baby.

At the police department, we were questioned as to the father’s interactions with the baby and his siblings. Had we seen signs of abuse or neglect. Again, unnecessary stress. Jaxin died from asphyxiation due to adult overlay. Jaxin had rolled into his father’s back and suffocated on a  wife beater style under shirt. When we finished answering questions, we found out that Laurenz was taken to her great grandmother’s house. We went to pick her up. Her father was there. He was sobbing. Inconsolable. Laurenz was 3. She didn’t understand why everyone was crying. She was scared. The babies father handed Ashley the baby’s diaper bag and told us to go. He couldn’t face Ashley.

Driving home Paul and I were able to get a hold of Pj, Tori and Danie before they read the news as someone had posted on facebook. We called Ashley’s older kids, Brooklyn and Parker’s dad and asked him to bring the kids. He saw Ashley’s van at my parents and dropped them off there.  I went and got them so Ashley could tell them their baby brother had died. So heartbreaking.

We had finished remodeling our kitchen the day before. So we had construction materials in the house still. I called the neighbors for help clearing it out. I called my best friend in Zanesville. All said was Niki my grand baby died. She said I’m on my way. She and her , Dave, walked in 3 1/2 hours later. A friend, Anita came and helped with clean up and handling the mountain of food that showed up. We were so grateful as we went from 2 of us to feeding 20-30 people at a time.

We tried to shield Ashley as much as possible from insensitive calls. I did answer one persistent caller. Turned out to be the organ and tissue procurement agency asking if Ashley would donate his tissue following the autopsy. She agreed right away. Our family together had received 2 kidneys and a heart. Tissue from his knees went to help someone walk.

All of this happened from 4:45 am to about 2:00 pm. Our whole world turned upside down. Our world became split. It was before Jaxin and after Jaxin died. It went from me telling Ashley to stop sleeping her kids. She would never get them to sleep on their own. I never thought to tell they could die. The could suffocate in a bed with someone who loved them. That they could be taken in an instant.

The following days were some of worst of our lives. From arguing with the funeral home and demanding a funeral instead of a grave side service. Picking out a tiny coffin. Choosing pictures and music. Saying a heartbreaking final goodbye before they closed the casket. The graveside service. We were numb for quite a while. It never really sinks in at first. It then becomes a conversation of never wills. He’ll never talk, walk, go to school, go to college. Get married and have kids. Finding ways to honor him. From tattoos to speaking out against unsafe sleep. In years since, I’ve learned everything I can about safe sleep for infants. I’ve lectured EMS crews on how to talk to grieving parents. Babies aren’t supposed to die. People working in the field tend to overlook the parents because they are uncomfortable. That’s not acceptable. They should look parents in the eye and say “I’m sorry for your loss” just as they would if a grandparent died. It makes all the difference to a grieving family. I’ve counseled families dealing with loss.

I’ve worked with Baby First. An organization that works to prevent preventable infant death. That’s hard to stomach sometimes. Jaxin died a preventable death. He lived 4 months 19 days. In his short time on earth he touched many lives with his smile. In death,  he has prevented numerous infant deaths through education of parents, grandparents and caregivers. Education on positional asphyxiation. Education on an empty crib. His memory lives in our hearts and his story will continue to educate.

🩵Jaxin Alexander Steward 🩵

2-8-10 to 6-27-10